All the Feels

Today has all the feels.  And Timehop, that bastion of nostalgia, reminded me this morning in photos.  2 years ago today was our wedding day.  It was and is joy.  We took our first selfie as a married couple in the back of Monk’s, enjoying a beer and a stolen moment together as Mr. and Mrs. Page before we rejoined our guests.

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1 year ago today we announced our first pregnancy, which we didn’t know would end just weeks later in a devastating loss.  We dressed the dog up with butterfly ears and a t-shirt I fashioned from Hobby Lobby, sat her in our new-to-us stroller and fed her treats until we caught a hilarious moment.  It’s still a great photo, but it also represents such heartache.  There’s no photo announcement from the second pregnancy, which also ended in loss, but I don’t think about one without the other.  2 babies gone.  It was a lot to deal with in a few months.

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And then today. Today is our two year anniversary, and this morning I had a doctor’s appointment, where, at 36 weeks pregnant, I got to hear our baby’s strong heartbeat again.  Our midwife hugged me and said things are going great, and her nervous but capable PA student measured my belly, pronouncing as well that baby is healthy and growing as expected.

I’ve heard people say miscarriage steals the joy in pregnancy.  And in some ways it’s true.  You say things like “if all goes as planned” and “hopefully” when discussing plans.  And another pregnancy certainly doesn’t cancel out the loss.  They’re intertwined but separate.  When I look at the photo of Salsa I still grieve for the two babies we lost.  Tears still come more quickly than I’m ready for sometimes.

IMG_3364But…but, there is also hope.  This blanket came in the mail this week, a heartfelt gift from a friend for our rainbow baby (a baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss). When I walk into the baby’s room and see it, our newborn diapers, and some knit Converse booties another friend crocheted, I am reminded of how much joy we have.  We have each other, a community of people who are excited with us and for us, and in just a few weeks, if all goes as planned, Baby Page will be in our arms.  All is well.

 

 

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “All the Feels

  1. Shannon Hartman

    Bridget! Thank you for sharing your heart. It is a bittersweet time for sure. Remembering you and your sweet babies and the one that will be in your arms before you know it!!

  2. haitiruth

    I love this post. Can’t wait to hear about the birth of your rainbow baby!

  3. Nellie

    Hi Bridget! I am so excited for you and pray everything goes well, these next few weeks. Can’t wait to receive an update!

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