I keep starting this post and deleting and starting over, wondering where to start. Let’s just get it out there–we are having another miscarriage. And I have so many thoughts and feelings and words.
In some ways it feels selfish to even write about it this time…there’s nothing forcing us to, we hadn’t told many people we were pregnant. But, the thing that made it bearable last time, the thing I need this time around, is to know that others have been here. Somehow the second one feels different. One seems like a an anomaly, a tragic blip that resolves itself the next time around. But two…you fear you’ll end up being one of those women people whispered about… “Oh, so and so…she’s had (fill in the blank) miscarriages.” People around you need answers about why it happened, sometimes even more than you do. With our first, we had surgery and genetic testing and a trisomy on chromosome 10 that showed it wasn’t our fault…it was a boy and a fluke bad egg. This time it’s happening differently and we probably won’t have that closure. We may have to be satisfied with “It happened. You can try again.” Which is hard…but truthful. Sometimes you can’t find a reason, and you still didn’t cause it.
And all of this just makes me think we need to keep talking about miscarriage. It’s hard to know what to tell people when you’re in it, and hard for your friends to know what to say. I did a lot of reading after our first miscarriage, and somewhere a doctor was quoted saying how when people share they’ve got cancer, no one tells them they shouldn’t talk about it or tell people… pregnancy and miscarriage are treated differently. But the need is the same. You need your people when you’re in it. Even if they don’t know what to say…just saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so sorry” is incredibly helpful. A hug…and I’m not normally a hugger. If you’re feeling particularly cheeky, I think this Emily McDowell greeting card is perfect, especially because they don’t make a “You’re having a miscarriage and that totally sucks” card.
So that’s where we are. Miscarrying. Again. Angry and sad and coping by making dead baby jokes (me), and also still hopeful and even more determined. As if determination could help predict a good outcome…but sometimes you’ve gotta use what you’ve got. And we know we’ve got you guys. We have people who will walk with us through this, and whatever comes next.