At my church small group tonight, we talked about trust. Trusting that God is good, mainly. And that he wants to give us good gifts, and really living like we believe that. And it made me think about Shane Hipps’ sermon The Scorpion and The Egg. I heard it quite a while ago now, and found it really, really helpful. Like most of the time, I often can’t quite say what I mean face to face…I need to write it. Revise, edit, until I find the words that really capture what I mean. Precisely.
So I said something like “I’m okay with the gray. I don’t always understand what God’s doing, and why I don’t get things I want, but I’ve learned to say ‘I don’t get it’ and leave it at that.” Which isn’t exactly right. That makes it sound very calm and resigned. Which isn’t how I feel about it at all. It’s more of an “I’m angry because I want this thing so. badly. and it just doesn’t ever happen but yet I know you are good” argument with God.
Just a few nights ago something happened, and I found myself saying something like “God…I know you only give good gifts and I know there is an egg somewhere in this, but it really, really feels like a scorpion right now. Show me how this is an egg. Show me. I need to see it.”
And that’s really what I’m more okay with–the wrestling. Because it’s the pushing through, the knowing hope is there even when I don’t see it right now. And knowing, even, and maybe especially when there is doubt, that God is good. All the time.