Panic

School starts this week, and my stress level is quickly approaching panic.  My brain has been so jumbled with thoughts it’s been hard to pin down the cause, but I think I have it, in bullet point form:

  • First, I know what I don’t know.  When I started my first teaching job, I knew everything.  I had read about it all and had a plan.  I was so naive and self-confident I doubt I learned much from my colleagues for quite a while.  This time, no such luck.  I know I am stepping into a black hole.
  • In addition to knowing that I don’t know a lot, I also know a whole lot more about some things.  The icky things.  Like school politics, and kissing up to the secretary right away, and knowing which teachers not to piss off.  Which bosses to try to impress. And that’s a lot of pressure!
  • Probably the biggest reason I’m stressed is just me.  I’m a planner.  An over planner I’ve been told, though I do not believe that exists.  And I can’t really plan much right now since I haven’t met my kids and I can’t even do my schedule until at least midweek.  Oh, and there’s that little personality quirk where I can’t really do something halfway.  If it’s worth doing, it’s worth being the best at.  Which is pretty much not going to happen since I am a newbie and I finally know just how much I don’t know.

So I’m praying and practicing letting go, though I thoroughly suck at that and hold on to being a control freak with white knuckles.  Trying to get some exercise in helps, as does drinking.  I figure they cancel each other out.  My main solace is that in a few months, I’ll be in a different place.  And really, when you’re starting out from scratch, there’s nowhere to go but up.

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